


i rolled thirteen on a pair of dice

by look_up



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Multi, Non-Binary Doctor (Doctor Who), Non-binary character, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 04:23:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17697599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/look_up/pseuds/look_up
Summary: the doctor has to let themself move on. it's what they would've wanted.or, the doctor feels guilty about their feelings for yaz, and the tardis takes them to see someone who might help.(pre-relationship 13/yaz)





	i rolled thirteen on a pair of dice

**Author's Note:**

> so, this is my first proper fic, and i couldn't stop thinking about this idea for the last like 2 days? so i wrote it, lol. also, the doctor is canonically nb and i wanted to use they/them bc im projecting lmao. but like, i think they're whatever about pronouns. 
> 
> this might be messy, i kinda wrote it all at once. turns out its way easier to write a fic than an essay for school. 
> 
> oh and theres no proper relationship happening. its mostly a character study.
> 
> title from Rio by Mika

It had been a bit of a day.

Really, it shouldn’t have been, but the TARDIS had… miscalculated where the Doctor wanted to go, so they had all ended up in the middle of a conflict between two clans. This was already a stressful situation for the Doctor, who had immediately tried to get their fam back in the ship so they wouldn’t be harmed, but it was made worse when Yaz and Ryan were quickly taken away by some soldiers. Now, the Doctor always worried about their companions’ safety, but they were still new, they still believe the Doctor was a good person. So, the Doctor had to work to get them back without letting themselves feel as angry as they really did, which ended up being more draining than they expected. They couldn’t let the humans know how easy it would be to not care about the soldiers’ lives. Not yet, at least. Not until they had no choice.

Still, with Graham’s help, a lot of cleverness, and a sonic screwdriver, they were able to convince the native authorities to let them see Yaz and Ryan in their cell, at which point, according to the official records, it mysteriously unlocked, letting them run back to the TARDIS amidst yells and threats. 

After making sure the two youngest member of their crew were not hurt, the Doctor retreated to the console room, letting the humans get some rest. They knew they had to find some way to distract themselves, to avoid being crushed by guilt, if only until the TARDIS assured them the humans were asleep and could not catch them in a moment of weakness. 

As they were about to climb (fall) under the main console, they heard Yaz call their name. They took a deep breath and put on a cheery face before turning towards her.

“Oh! Hello Yaz, thought you’d gone to sleep! Gotta get some rest after a day like that, how else are you gonna be ready for the next adventure?”

Yaz took a moment to answer, observing the Doctor carefully, as if they were likely to run away at any moment. They could, sure, the ship would hide them for as long as they wanted, but they didn’t like to run away in their own home. The Doctor’s smile slipped a bit as they noticed the way Yaz was staring.

Finally, she opened her mouth.

“You know we — I don’t blame you for what happened today, right?” she said carefully, “It could have been you and Graham that got taken, or any combination. I know what I signed up for when I decided to come with you.”

They knew that. Yaz had know what danger their adventures could bring, but she hadn’t known, not really, who she’d be travelling with. It’s not like they could tell her that, though. 

“Of course. But, I have to protect you. You’re still human. I’m… very much not. I could have survived a long time in their prisons, you couldn’t have.” Of course, they thought, they wouldn’t have had to stay a long time, if they’d been on their own. They would have found a way out, no matter what, if thing had been that desperate. “You’re my responsibility. I can’t let something bad happen to you.”

I don’t know what I would do if it did.

At that moment, they weren’t sure how much they would have said to another member of the team. They cared about all of their fam, of course, but Yaz… Maybe they cared about her in a different way, too.

“I know you think that, Doctor, but you can’t… you can’t feel guilty everytime our adventures end up a little dangerous. There are things you can’t control, you’re not responsible for everything. And even if you were, I wouldn’t leave after a day like today. Everything you give us, it’s worth the risk! As scary as today was, I was on another planet! With aliens! I wouldn’t give that up for anything.”

“I can’t let you die, Yaz.”

The Doctor’s reply left Yaz stunned. She knew that there had been others before her, knew, on some level, that some of them had to have had died with the Doctor. 

She’d never wondered how many.

“Not everyone dies, Yaz. Everyone leaves. Some of them choose to, the lucky ones. Some have no choice. Some lose everything. I. can’t. let. you. die. because of me. You deserve to see the stars, Yaz, to see it all, but I know what can happen to those who travel with me. So I let myself be guilty of it all. Because otherwise, no one would be.”

The Doctor sighed and looked down. They hadn’t meant to say so much. What if they had scared Yaz away? It would probably be for the better, they told themselves. She deserved more than they could give her. 

Yaz didn’t know what to say. She wanted to comfort the Doctor, but she had a feeling she wouldn’t get much more out of them that night. She settled with walking up to them and giving them a hug. After a second, they relaxed in her arms.

“Good night, Doctor.”

 

They watched Yaz leave towards her bedroom, keeping on a neutral face, trying not to fall apart just yet. Then, they let themself fall to the floor, trying to regulate their breathing as anxiety took them over. They felt the warm presence of the TARDIS trying to comfort them, but even she didn’t seem to know what to do. 

To be fair, that would require knowing what the Doctor was scared of, and that section of their mind was sealed off to everyone.

Part of them was still processing the fear of losing two companions. But another part was still terrified, reminding them of Clara, and losing her, and what they were capable of when they loved someone. 

They couldn’t do it again. Not to themself, and certainly not to someone else.

When the memories had returned, initially, they’d had to push them to the back of their mind. They’d been busy! New face, new alien, new fam! But as soon as they had the chance, they’d declared an “off-day”, set the TARDIS to drift through space for a while, told their companions to explore some rooms, maybe the pool or something, and locked themself in their bedroom. They spent the whole day remembering. Clara. Clara. Clara. How could they have forgotten her? 

How did they let her go?

It felt so fresh. Like the wound had reopened and ignoring it had let it get infected. They had tried everything, but it hadn’t been enough. Instead, they’d given her the thing that hated the most about themself: a form of immortality. They could be so cruel when they were afraid and in pain.

They’d cried for hours. Their Impossible Girl. She’d saved them, over and over. They all did, yet the Doctor could never give them what they deserved. No matter how much they wanted to. 

Another thing to feel guilty about.

As it turns out, they had been more exhausted than they thought, since they managed to fall asleep on the floor of the console room. For a Time Lord who barely slept once a month, they still usually tried to do so in a bed. 

They were awoken by the sound of the TARDIS landing. They stood up, startled, looking around the room for someone who might have driven their ship.

They didn’t let themself think of the person they’d hoped it could be. The only one, really.

The TARDIS did this, sometimes. If she thought she knew what they needed, and they weren’t already trying to go somewhere else. It was difficult and tiring for her, but she loved her thief, and her desire to ease their pain was strong. She hoped it would not actually make it worse. She looked around while they were asleep, their mind less guarded, at least to those they trusted. These days, that only meant her. 

The Doctor sighed, waving away the disappointment they could not avoid. They looked around disapprovingly, letting the ship know they hoped she knew what she was doing. The Doctor looking towards the doors hesitantly, then attempted to look at the scanners to know where (when, they needed to know when) they were, but the TARDIS had disabled them. Finally, they felt a wave of reassurance that their companions would not come looking for them. They pushed open the door.

 

It took them about half a second to realize where they were. To be fair, it only took them so long because they were still half-asleep. They had been in this exact spot so many times before, both while they travelled with her and after. They had missed her a lot and often and they weren’t always good at controlling themself. They had been so happy at the time.

The Powell Estates, circa 2006. 

Even the smells were familiar. Their new nose might not be as reliable as it once was, but they could still recognized the smells of places they’d been before. For a moment, they wondered if there was a risk of running into another version of themself, but they trusted that the TARDIS would avoid paradoxes. 

As everything washed over them, they choked back a sob. Of course their ship would bring them here. It was the first time they’d felt some sense of home after the Time War. The first time they’d felt peace. The first time they’d let themself feel vulnerable. Feel love, even. 

They’d been fresh off the war and all the trauma it caused, but they’d still been young enough that happiness felt within reach. Now, they didn’t know how they could let themself love without feeling like they were cheating, somehow. Not cheating on anyone, exactly, but cheating their memories, like moving on would make their other relationship lose their worth in their life. 

So they didn’t really let themself love fully, after Rose. 

Sure, they’d loved River, but their relationship had been so complicated. Holding back was easy when you only see someone every so often and had seen them die the first time you’d met. They had cared deeply for River, but even she knew they couldn’t love her as much as she did them. It had been enough to be together.

And Clara had been so much of everything. They couldn’t figure her out, then they couldn’t get enough of her. She may have only seen them once a week, but they had a time machine. They could drop her off and immediately go to the next week. They didn’t have to leave her, not really. 

Until they did.

But she knew, they had to believe it. She had to know what she meant to them. They always told themself it was easier to let go if they held back. Clearly they’d been wrong. They had not done many things the were as difficult as letting Clara go.

They’re pretty sure she hadn’t either.

And now, now there was Yaz, wonderful, amazing Yaz, who reminded them so much of Rose, who believe in them in the same way, who didn’t know how much they could hurt people yet. Yaz, who looked at them like they hung the stars, like there was no other being in the universe. Yaz, who had looked at the like that since their first adventure. Yaz, who loved them. 

Yaz, who they could love, if they let themself.

The Doctor had been lost in thought, standing a few meters away from the TARDIS, and they didn’t notice the young woman looking at them from across the street. If they had, they might have been able to prepare an excuse before she reached them. They might have been able to keep their surprise hidden. Maybe their other feelings, too.

As it was, Rose was walking towards them, and they didn’t notice. 

Rose had been walking home from a friend’s when she saw the TARDIS. She was slightly confused, since she’d asked the Doctor to give her a few days to spend with her mum and friends, but the visit was appreciated. She loved her friends, but it had only taken a few hours for her to miss the excitement of her life with the Doctor.

She didn’t if she could ever give it up.

She stopped in her tracks when she saw a woman walk out of the TARDIS. How could someone get in it? Where was the Doctor? Did he find someone while he was away and brought her back with him? 

Had he replaced her?

The woman was just standing there, looking around as if she recognized where she was, as if she was looking for something (someone). And nobody was coming out behind her. The Doctor was not there. 

How could the TARDIS be there without him? The last time she’d seen it on its own… Had he gotten hurt?

This made Rose start walking again, with purpose, towards the time machine and the person who’d just gotten out of it. As she approached, Rose noticed the woman’s attire, her strange coat and yellow suspenders reminding her of something her Doctor would wear. Maybe she’d taken clothes from the wardrobe? There were a lot of weird thing in there. 

Rose first went towards the TARDIS, but as she walked up to it, the woman suddenly looked at her and gasped in shock. Rose took a step back away from her, towards the TARDIS, and wondered what to say.

“Where’s the Doctor?” Well. That was certainly an option. Maybe slightly more aggressive than she intended, but who could blame her? A strange lady walked out of what was basically her home and the owner was nowhere to be seen!

The woman just gaped at her, looking more uncertain than Rose had ever seen anyone. She went to say something, stopped herself, then sighed, resigned.  
“They’ll be back soon, I think. Maybe a little earlier than you agreed. I’m not sure.”

“What do you mean? How did you get in his TARDIS? Who are you?”

“Ah, um, I’m, I’m… Bill?”

“That sounded like a question. How do you not know your name? You know what, maybe you have a reason, the Doctor usually does. I’m just gonna pop in now, do you mind?” Rose gestured toward the TARDIS, testing the woman’s reaction.

Said reaction made her even more suspicious, as the woman jumped in front of the ship.

“No! No, there’s nothing in there for you. Though I’m sure she’d open her doors. But no! Please. This is already complicated.”

Rose looked at the woman. She’d travelled with the Doctor for long enough that she was familiar with paradoxes. She’d seen him avoid them once or twice. The woman’s behaviour was eerily similar.

“Tell me the truth. Who are you? Are you… a time traveller? Are you with the Doctor?”

Did he replace me? What would have to happen for that? Why isn’t he here?

“I… Oh, Rose”

She said Rose’s name with such emotion Rose’s breath caught in her throat. She said it like she hadn’t said it in a long time. Like it meant so much to her. Like it hurt her to say the word.

“Always so brilliant. I think you know who I am. I shouldn’t be here, really, but the old girl wanted to help, I think, so she brought me to see you, even though it’s a bad idea, because I missed you, well I always do, on some level, but I really did, and I had a bad day, and she meant well, and...”

“Doctor? How… I thought you weren’t allowed to do this.”

“Well, that’s the things with rules, it’s easy to break them when you’re the one supposed to enforce them.” The Doctor smiled sheepishly.

Rose was confused. On one hand, of course this was the Doctor. The clothes alone should’ve made it obvious, and she’s seen the Doctor get out of the TARDIS! Who else could it have been? On the other hand… What could have possibly happened to make the Doctor take this risk?

Not wanting to scare the Doctor, Rose decided to start light.

“Well. I like your coat.”

“Thanks! I has so many pockets!” The Doctor replied, filled with energy for a moment.

“And… you never mentioned you could be a woman.” And immediately ruin it, apparently.

The Doctor made a face. 

“I’m not… anything, really. Even with you. I’m an alien, you know. It doesn’t work like that for me. I try to go along with whatever people say, but I’m not, a woman, really. This is just a body.”

Rose paused. It made sense she supposed. She wondered why she never really questioned her Doctor about this. Maybe she would.

“Okay.” Rose looked back at the TARDIS. “Why are you here, though?”

“Like I said. I was sad, I suppose.”

Rose examined their face. This incarnation seemed to have a harder time hiding their emotions. Or maybe that was just Rose. 

“When did you last see me, Doctor?”

“Oh, not that long ago. I’ve been here before, you know. Charming little sport to park a time machine.”

Now, Rose was starting to worry. They had crossed their timeline before? Enough times to remember the spot? This was dangerous. 

“How long since we last talked?”

The Doctor lost their smile and looked at the grass. They knew she was figuring out what happened. What would happen. 

“You know, about 1500 years.” Give or take a couple billion, they thought. 

For a second, Rose looked horrified. She knew the Doctor would have a life after her. Being confronted with it, with the impact she’d had on them, was another thing completely. But then, she was overwhelmed with worry and sadness for the Doctor. They were putting on a brave face, smiling a bit, trying so very hard not to let on how they felt. Rose wondered how long they had had to do that for. Rose decided to be brave for them, too.

“You have other people, though, right? You shouldn’t mope around for that long, it’s not healthy” Rose said with a smile. She’d never wanted to cheer the Doctor up more. She couldn’t stand to think about their loneliness.

“Yeah”, the Doctor replied softly. “They’re not you, though. No one is ever you.” A pause. “I can’t lose someone again, Rose.”

Rose almost teared up at the love and the sadness in their voice. No one this loving should lose so much. What a curse, to be immortal yet to care so much.

“But you have. And you will. You can’t control your feelings, Doctor. You can’t stop yourself from loving someone because of me. You can’t be this lonely.”

“I — I don’t, Rose, it hurts so much. Every time. What if, if I let myself do that again, what if it stops hurting? What if I get used to it? It means something when it hurts. I don’t want to forget how much it hurt to lose you, to lose everyone. If I love other people, then maybe — I don’t want you to mean less. If I stop feeling the pain, then maybe it won’t feel real anymore. If I move on, maybe I’ll forget you. I can’t forget again, Rose. I can’t leave the feelings I had — have — for you disappear!”

Rose had never seen the Doctor so desperate. She wasn’t sure there was anything in the universe that could comfort them. She also knew she’d never know a being who could love as much as the Doctor, so she had to try. While ignoring a love confession. Easy.

“Doctor, they won’t disappear. You’re not like that. You can’t even talk to me about your past, because you loved these people so much! You don’t forget them! You keep them with you, you remember how it feels to love and to lose, and you allow yourself to love me!” Rose took a deep breath. She hadn’t meant to raise her voice, but she needed them to understand. “I don’t want you to not love anyone after me. Doctor, I need to know you’ll be okay without me.”

Their stare was so intense Rose had to look away. She felt her cheeks grow warm, embarrassment rising within her. She forced herself to look back at them. They had to know how serious she was. 

“Okay.” They steadied themself. “Rose Tyler, you always know what I need. I can’t tell you I’ve always been okay since you left, but I won’t stop myself from being happy again. There’s… someone, in there,” they pointed at the ship, “and she’s a lot like you. She sees the best in me. Maybe I’ll give her a chance.”

Rose smiled. She still worried about the Doctor — she might always worry about them — but now she knew they would at least try to be happy. She loved the Doctor, more than she understood, really, but she’d always known there would be an after her. Part of loving someone like that was wanting them to be happy, even with other people, after you’re gone. 

And, judging by the way the Doctor’s eyes lit up when they mentioned the someone in the TARDIS, they were in good hands. 

Rose was just getting used to this version of the Doctor and she didn’t want them to leave just yet. Or ever, maybe. Her affection for the Doctor was independent of the incarnation, and she wanted to keep this one safe for as long as she could. She knew she couldn’t.  
The Doctor did not seem like they wanted to leave either. They were still looking at her, eyes filled with so much love Rose had to stop herself from kissing them right there and then. She settled for a hug and pulled a surprised Doctor close. They were about the same height, this time. It felt nice.

“You know, you should probably hug me more often”, the Doctor mumbled in her shoulder, “I think I’d like it a lot.”

Rose pulled away and nodded. They both had tears in their eyes. Neither mentioned it. 

“I should go. I’m not sure I will otherwise”, the Doctor said, stepping towards the TARDIS. “Goodbye, Rose Tyler.”

“Goodbye, Doctor.”

The Doctor stepped inside the TARDIS and immediately went to the console, setting coordinates for a beautiful constellation her companions would probably enjoy. They could not stop moving, lest the tears they were holding back start falling. As the ship dematerialized, they allowed themself a moment.

They were always gonna miss Rose. Just like Clara and River. And Martha, and Donna, and Bill, and the Ponds, and everyone. They’d always been bad at remembering the people who had travelled with them. It protected them from the sadness and the guilt. But, Rose had been right. They had to keep going anyway, and it wasn’t really fair to their memory to pretend they never existed. 

They would try, they decided. Mention people, here and there, to start. Maybe tell more about their adventures to Yaz, she did love to hear about what they’d done. Keeping their memory alive would be easier if they shared it. 

And they should probably talk to Yaz, too. She’d have to know more about their life, before they could do anything. She had to know about the people they’d loved before, because they were still alive in their hearts. 

But. Maybe after that, they could go somewhere. A date. That would be nice. 

The guilt they’d felt earlier was less suffocating already. Maybe it would lessen more as they talked more. They hoped so.

The Doctor started walking towards the kitchen, to try to prepare some breakfast for their fam before they woke up. 

Or wake them up by burning something. Whichever came first.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!! i love you!


End file.
